Reconsidering Children

As someone who never really wanted children, expecting them to be spoiled, drooling, fun vacuums.

I must now change my tune.

That is as long as the people who own this little darling bastard are willing to part with him.

Come home with me little ideajones and we will take over the world.

love,

-ideajones

Cockula

For the past few days, I've been trying to get my friend Brennan to go as Count Chocula for Halloween (because they look alike) and my friend Chris to accompany him as Frankenberry (because he owns two purple shirts). But, as with many other things in my life that were good, pure, and mocking, porn has gone and ruined it.

Now I won't be able to think of Count Chocula without immediately flashing to the Count Cockula, which is apparently the must-have the sex toy for anyone who wants to get their dick bitten off.

Should Elton John Be Allowed to Adopt?

Lots of celebrities want to adopt kids from foreign countries. An adopted black babay is the must-have accessory in Hollywood right now. Between Madonna and Angelina Jolie
and all the media attention they got, celebs figure it's great PR. Now Even Elton John wants in on the action. There is some debate going on as to whether or not he should be allowed to adopt. Let me answer that question......

Simply put…HELL NO! And it is has nothing to do with his sexual preference at all. The reason he should not adopt is that he is 62 years old. There is no practical way he can keep up with a kid at that age. Look, my father was 46 when I was born. By the time I was old enough to where I would want my dad to play ball with me, he was on his first bypass surgery. We watched a lot of 60 Minutes together though. So if Sir Elton were allowed to adopt there could be a point where both he and his kid are wearing diapers and eating soft food. Plus how can the kid ever understand Halloween when your dad’s understated outfit is a Donald Duck suit.

17th and Growing (possibly NSFW)

According to (ahem) Manhunt Daily, Washington D.C. is the American state region with the biggest dicks. Anatomically speaking, I mean, not just in terms of personality. The results were tallied based on Manhunt members' (ha, members! uh...I'm really easy) profiles, which recently were updated with a penis size option.

So if we accept that a fair amount of LYING is going on, Missouri is either 17th on the list (says Manhunt) or anywhere between the 12th and 20th (based on my own dating history). Which is good to know, especially when you consider that those size-obsessed idiots in Texas may be bigger(15th), but all the Jersey douchebags out there are decidedly smaller (40th).

The President is Near

I truly cannot understand why people are upset that the President of the United States will be addressing students. I cannot think of a sole reason why the leader of our country should not. Sitting presidents have always reached out to the students of our country encouraging them to read, stay in school, keep off drugs, etc.. In fact, remember where George W. Bush was when the 9/11 attacks took place? At a school reading to kids.

It’s sad that there are enough people who are taking their queues from people like Glenn Beck, who is doing the best angry journalist act since Peter Finch in Network. There is no way Beck believes the crap he spews. I could go on all day about that but Chez at Deus ex Malcontent did it way better than I can. I’ll just say that Beck is a better actor than Edward Norton and Gary Oldman, times ten. When you say that the president is trying to indoctrinate the youth into his socialist agenda, it tells me you do not know what socialism truly is. I think I know the true motivation behind why people are upset about the President is speaking to kids. Just watch this:

They can't all be winners.

Not every endeavor is a successful one and today I would like to share with you one of my birds that never took flight, perhaps because it was ahead of its time, illegal, dangerous or downright offensive.

My Eureka event or as I like to call it "Peanut Butter & Jelly", was born out of my friends and I sitting around in college doing bong hits. The smoke from which I have never really enjoyed do to the harshness, but if my memory serves me and it tends not to for about a five year period there I did enjoy the after effect.

That day I realized that I would take two things dear to me and create a pathway to heaven.

Bong + Nitrous = Cool super smooth bong hit that makes you into a visionary. Or so I thought.

Well, I went down to my laboratory and fashioned something the kids call a Cracker (for opening small nitrous canisters or whippets) to the side of a plexi-glass bong with a little rubber cement, and we were in business.

Here came the challenge, with even my most burnt out of cohorts shuddering at the thought of mixing these two drugs together. As if GOD himself might smite them for figuring out the hidden secret to the universe.

Then Holly came to mind.

Holly had been a friend of mine and even a roommate for sometime. A tiny little goof ball of a druggy chick that would pretty much do whatever I asked, except sleep with me. Which by most accounts would be more dangerous than trying out one of my inventions? So with a little reassuring of its safety, she was in.

We set the mood with some Rev. Horton Heat, gathered around our favorite front porch coffee table and proceeded to find God. We even made plans to travel the world teaching others about our new religion.

Then we packed the bowl, lit the lighter, and cracked the nitrous.

Holly grinned from ear to ear as though she had seen the face of our creator, and inner peace washed over her, as she hit her face on the coffee table drooling.

Can somebody help me find a shovel?

love,

-ideajones

Gayest Headline Ever

ideajones IS WRITING AGAIN! Haha I'm just kidding (I'm not), that's not the headline (but it should be). Actually, it's this:


Wow. Just wow.

According to NBC Miami, Brian Dotort went to a gay bar called Georgie's Alibi (worst alibi ever) and took his chihuahua, Hudson Hayward Hemingway, with him. Because Hudson Hayward Hemingway was dressed in pretty pink clothing, some queen with a Britney Spears tattoo asked if he could could him. Brian said okay, turned around to look at some guy's package, and by the time he turned back to his dog and Mr. Spears, both had disappeared.

As a pet owner, I think this is a particularly sad story, but it's important to remember what my parents taught me back when I was young, trusting, and still hadn't realized that I lived in one of the most dangerous cities in America -- don't display anything that you don't want stolen. This edict is malleable, of course, because I have to display some things in order to get others. Example: at reputable establishments, money must be exchanged for booze.

The underlying point was that I should prepare for theft relative to the venue. If I bragged about my large stash of chewing tobacco at a Toby Keith concert, for example, I should not expect to retain ownership for very long. (NOTE: I would never use chewing tobacco or be seen at a Toby Keith concert.) Likewise, if I carried my punt-able, dressed-in-pastels dog into a South Florida gay bar, I would soon find myself dragging an empty leash along the beach and crying about how my special little friend isn't around to watch Golden Girls re-runs with me anymore.

I could always give ideajones a call, though.