Crucifixion REDUX

As anyone who knows me will tell you, Ideajones is not a religious man. I just find religion the most interesting time tested mind control ever invented.

That shit works.

However I think its time the story of the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ be remastered.

How I came to this conclusion, was after recently staying up late to watch a Double Feature of THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST and HOSTEL.

HOSTEL for those of you who don't know is a movie about young people kidnapped abroad and sold into white slavery where they are torchered for money. I sat there awe inspired by the violence foisted on these people for someone else's jolly's and nothing more.

Then THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST came on. People wailing, dirty clothes, sweaty men in sandals and a bloody Semitic looking fellow being nailed to a crucifix. Pretty much CNN footage from anywhere in the middle east over the past 30 years. Needless to say I fell asleep.

That night, I had a nightmare of being tortured at the hands of a midget with the head of a Saint Bernard. Which leads me to believe I shouldn't watch horror movies before I go to bed, or mix whiskey and onion rings at 3 am. (I hope everyone gets the Mom and Dad Save the World reference)

So, the next morning that got me thinking. That shit they were doing to those kids in HOSTEL was ten times worse than anything that Jesus fellow seemed to go through for his followers.

Let's rewrite history. Well I wouldn't call a make believe story about a Zombie history, but play along if you will.

First Jesus is forced to drag that crucifix up to the top of the hill while being threatened by Mel Gibson for not giving him a blowjob. Then once crucified he is read the million page document that is Health Care Reform, by a chain smoker with halitosis ( I suppose Mel Gibson could fill that position too). Only to be brought down from the cross hours later and Sodomized to death by Roman Polanski, Whoopi Goldberg and the family from Aristocrats.

Now, I am well aware that the story of the crucifixion is important to a lot of people. So feel free to make any comments about how we could heighten the cruelty of this event. Know this though, I will not remove Mel Gibson or Roman Polanski from the party as I consider them the real lynch pins to the overall vibe of the event.

love,

-ideajones

always dissapointed

I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS FOR THE COSMOS.

Is a prayer from an atheist without value?

Is a prayer even for being answered?

Are prayers answered?

Just for kicks. Let's give it a whirl.

I have my eyes closed (Thank you Mrs. Shots my typing teacher). "DEAR GOD, PLEASE MAKE MY ............

Well, question answered, and I won't be staring in any pornos anytime soon.

women?!

I find it very interesting that the first time and every time since when I use my tongue on a woman it elicits the same response.

Good to know I still have skills.

love,

-ideajones

I need to tell you a secret

i do wonderful things when i'm drunk.

i don't remember them.

the next day i am told they were not wonderful.

MISUNDERSTOOD AGAIN.

love,

-ideajones

Reconsidering Children

As someone who never really wanted children, expecting them to be spoiled, drooling, fun vacuums.

I must now change my tune.

That is as long as the people who own this little darling bastard are willing to part with him.

Come home with me little ideajones and we will take over the world.

love,

-ideajones

Cockula

For the past few days, I've been trying to get my friend Brennan to go as Count Chocula for Halloween (because they look alike) and my friend Chris to accompany him as Frankenberry (because he owns two purple shirts). But, as with many other things in my life that were good, pure, and mocking, porn has gone and ruined it.

Now I won't be able to think of Count Chocula without immediately flashing to the Count Cockula, which is apparently the must-have the sex toy for anyone who wants to get their dick bitten off.

Should Elton John Be Allowed to Adopt?

Lots of celebrities want to adopt kids from foreign countries. An adopted black babay is the must-have accessory in Hollywood right now. Between Madonna and Angelina Jolie
and all the media attention they got, celebs figure it's great PR. Now Even Elton John wants in on the action. There is some debate going on as to whether or not he should be allowed to adopt. Let me answer that question......

Simply put…HELL NO! And it is has nothing to do with his sexual preference at all. The reason he should not adopt is that he is 62 years old. There is no practical way he can keep up with a kid at that age. Look, my father was 46 when I was born. By the time I was old enough to where I would want my dad to play ball with me, he was on his first bypass surgery. We watched a lot of 60 Minutes together though. So if Sir Elton were allowed to adopt there could be a point where both he and his kid are wearing diapers and eating soft food. Plus how can the kid ever understand Halloween when your dad’s understated outfit is a Donald Duck suit.